Homesickness

As someone that is actually an adult (I feel like 25 counts as being a Real Adult at this point), I must admit that I still experience homesickness. I know it is not particularly adult-like of me, but I do miss sleeping in my bright orange room under the quilt my Grandma made, being woken up by two very mischievous kittens, seeing and talking to my family daily, and just being in a familiar place. I blame part of this on the fact that I have lived in the same house my entire life and that my brain simply abhors change. 

Being a plane ride away from my home is daunting, to say the least, and when I moved to Milwaukee for the first time, I had an extremely tough time adjusting to being so far away from my (seemingly) never-changing home. In my years in undergrad, my home was only an hour and a half drive away, and I took advantage of that frequently, whether through a planned trip or a depression-fueled 3am drive. 

Going home now requires a lot more effort than packing a weekend bag and driving back. I need to pack a suitcase, get a ride to the airport (as I am car-less here), go to the airport, be on a plane for an hour and a half ride, get picked up by someone, and then finally arrive home. This is a good half of a day experience and also requires the personal charity of my parents to buy me a plane ticket, as I do not make enough to buy my own tickets, sadly (Thank you though Mom and Dad- the free tickets and miles are very appreciated).

Due to the effort and money required to get home, I am somewhat stranded in Milwaukee until Thanksgiving break. This means that I am forced to deal with the unpleasant phenomenon of homesickness. It is so easy for me to slip into boredom, start feeling depressed, and incessantly resort to some of my more unhealthy coping mechanisms. I also hate feeling this way, which makes me feel even worse, which perpetuates the homesickness cycle. I can always call home (which I do almost daily, sometimes crying and other times joyfully), but facetime isn't quite the same as being physically home.

The aforementioned orange room with one of the two aforementioned kittens that enjoy waking me up at 6am for food.

Whenever I am feeling homesick, I almost refuse to do anything enjoyable because I know that I will still at least have some residual unpleasant emotions during and after engaging with a healthy coping mechanism. I have been talking to my therapist about this and have realized some things; a) it is okay to have 'bad' feelings while doing something enjoyable and b) homesickness isn't a completely negative state.

Part of the first realization has a lot to do with my OCD and the black-and-white thinking that goes along with it. If I am feeling bad, nothing good should be happening and if I am doing something good or something that makes me happy, I should feel 100% good. These statements are logically untrue; after all, we live in a world of dialectics and grey area. It is reasonable for me to be able to feel badly while also doing something I like; any feeling takes time to go away, and a temporary distraction that even slightly reduces the uncomfortable feeling is still helpful and I deserve to be able to experience something good when feeling poorly.

The second realization also has to do with dialectics. I can feel miserable being homesick, but I am also growing stronger everyday that I don't run straight for the hills (aka home; Georgia is so hilly, so this figure of speech is quite apt in this circumstance) and I stay in Milwaukee, I am growing more independent and increasing my tolerance for unpleasant emotions. It is also helping me become more comfortable feeling 'bad' emotions, since emotions do not actually have any moral values associated with them. It is okay to feel these types of emotions; they are just as necessary as any other more pleasant emotion.

Understanding all of these things are much easier said than done, and I am still working on them at the age of 25. Thankfully 25 does not mean that I need everything figured out because I clearly do not. I still impulsively eat and shop when feeling miserable, but slowly I can improve upon these coping mechanisms and practice more positive ones as time goes on. 

I, a 25 year old grad student, still experience homesickness, and that is okay. While I am working on allowing myself to feel my 'negative' emotions, and this important work, I still would wholly support any donations to the Sarah Wants to Go Home fund for a possible plane ticket. I accept PayPal and Venmo...

- Sarah